Britwatching - to seek out and survey British tourists.
It's not hard. In fact it's so easy anyone can do it! All you need to do is look out for any of these people or this behaviour and they will undoubtedly be Brits. Britwatch - search out the scum on your holiday!**
Some hints of Brits abroad -
The sunburn: We British do not cope in the sun well. We also do not bother with such frivolities like sun cream. So we go a bright red after the first day. Female Brits will have deep red cleavage (because it must be on show ALL the time) while Male Brits usually show off their pink paunches.
The football shirt: It's a fashion classic: garish colours and polyester. Most Male Brits will show off their tribe by wearing said tribe's colours. Usually a large size, colours vary, as does the shorts/trainers combo. The shirt wearing is also accompanied with a loud vocal display for said tribe. Because Male Brits think people give a shit about how great said tribe are, when they don't. If you are not familiar with football shirts, if you spot an obnoxious fat man wearing children's sportswear, it's a Brit in a football shirt.
The tiny skirt: Worn by the Female Brit, the mini skirt is a must. Rarely will Brits travel alone, so the tiny skirt is usually worn en masse by several Females, drunk on cheap wine, singing 'It's raining men'. The tiny skirt will mostly be inappropriate, and will often come with a fat arse and a belly, hanging over the skirt. It acts as a beacon for local men, telling them subtly that the Female is 'up for it' and 'will go almost all the way, but not all the way'. Other variations on 'slutwear UK' include plunging neckline, comedy Playboy bunny outfit or the classic tight black T (larger Female Brits think this hides the years of alcohol abuse. It doesn't, tubby.)
Public drinking: The Brits are on holiday, so they think this means a holiday from public laws also. Even though the Brit will consume 15-20 units of alcohol in the local bars, it is necessary to 'warm up' on the street with a few cans of local beer or a bottle of local wine. Public drinking may occur alongside public urination, public displays of grotesque sexual affection and public displays of falling over and laughing. After 2am, The Brit will resort to fighting. This will at worst mean a scuffle between unfit men who cannot fight, at best a crying, tiny-skirted Female Brit screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT, AY?!!!'.
The loud voice: Brits are under the illusion that foreigners do not understand English only because they are hard of hearing. So Brits remedy this language divide by shouting the English phrase a few decibels higher than the usual bellow. Never, repeat never, will the local language be used. Brits try to help their position by adding an -o suffix to their words, the occasional Spainish/French word remembered from remedial language classes and flailing arms. example: "WHEREO IS THE PUBO POUR FAVOR?' (gestures drinking motion, followed by pointing in all directions with exasperated look of desperation).
Other signs of a Brit are shocking displays of disrespect, an aura of superiority and reckless spending (Brits understand correctly that their currency is fiscally superior to most others in the world right now. This correct assumption is coupled with a total disregard for basic numeracy skills). Also no Brits will be found at cultural attractions.
*(why isn't it rooves?)
** when spotting these acts, be careful to avoid confusing the Australian with Brits. Although the cousin of Brits in genetics, misguided self confidence and a disgusting contempt for the rest of the world, the Australian tends to be louder and will not have the sunburn. If you are on Aussiewatch, look out for summer wear all year round no matter how cold, a deep tan and even more profuse swearing.
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