ants

It's hot here in Hungoland, so the insects are out in force. I have been eaten alive by mosquitoes, and have discovered a new bug outside my flat (it looks like the flesh eating things on The Mummy) and we have ants. Lots of ants.

We have had one or two scouting parties into the flat in the last few weeks, just sniffing out the place. They were brutally, promptly murdered at the massacre of the big giant adidas trainer. The scouting holes were then made redundant thanks to piles of the finest Hungarian paprika. We thought the war had been won. But that first skirmish was just the start of the vicious war.

It seems the main attack route for the ant army is under the skirting board in the kitchen. The first troops found some gunk on the counter top, but a second wave thoroughly tucked into the crap that has accumulated down the side of the oven. By the end of the weekend a full force had eaten through the dirty dishes, many had drowned bravely eating some cereal, but all in all it had been a successful campaign. 

Returning home and finding the enemy flaunting their gains, I got mad. They had to die, these bastards thought they had won, sitting there so cocky. It was like when Bush declared an untimely victory on that carrier in 2001. After realising the previous execution method of stomping would take forever, I found one of my new, more perverse joys in life - vacuuming up battalions of ants. None survived the second massacre of the war, simply referred to as 'the hoovering'.

By monday they had come back, many ants deciding the shit at the bottom of the oven grating being worth the risk of another vacuuming. I wonder if they are now ruing their decision, at the bottom of the vacuum bag.

I made a tactical move yesterday, taping up the entire skirting board. The genius of my move came to me while on the toilet. I hope other great military tactics were created on the bog. I bet Nelson came up with Waterloo just after dropping a log.

I digress. Anyway, the tape was a partial success. Some ants got though the sticky, I can only assume choking wilds of tape and got back to munching on a bit of stuff near the sink. Their last memory was a deafening noise and a dark, dark tube from which there is no return. 

Jesus, I am really enjoying sucking up ants, so much I am creating prose about it. I am messed up.

Well the war is still being waged, I added tape at some of the weaker parts of the tape line and sucked up some vagrants. I can only hope their forces are depleted. Tomorrow the war continues.